Dahlia's Diary
by Summer Walters
Summary: The sequel to my fic featuring Lily, 'Two Star Crossed Lovers.' It's the diary of her best friend, Dahlia original character. Find out why she hates Snape so much and all the secrets from her past.
1. 1

Wednesday 2:27 am  
  
You will not believe what happened today. Actually, I can barely believe what happened. It's just so outrageous and ridiculous and – ohmigosh am I going to kill Lily.  
  
OK, I'll start from the beginning. It was two am and I could not sleep. Don't you hate it when you just lie there in the dark, eyes wide open staring at the ceiling? Or in my case, the canopy of my four-poster bed.  
  
So after lying in the dark, bored and tired, but unable to sleep, I decided to pick you up, dear diary. I had left you on the dresser. I have to no fear that anyone would read you because (1) I trust everyone in this dormitory and (2) I've put a Locking Charm on it, which I learned last year. No one in our dormitory would read it, but even so, you never know when someone is going to wander in. And my thoughts are definitely not what I want anyone to read. Not even Lily, which brings me back to what happened.  
  
So I was getting up to pick up my diary and lie in bed, scribbling random thoughts until I'd fall asleep. Sometimes random lines of poetry form in my mind as I lie in the dark, especially if the moon is shining in on my bed. (My bed is pushed up against the wall and part of the window. It's pretty cool to have my own personal window.) I write down these random lines and they make so much sense and sound deep and wise. The next day, I wake up and reread them, thinking, "What the hell is this supposed to mean?"  
  
As I crossed the floor, I glanced over at the four other beds. All of the curtains were shut, except Lily's. Very odd, because she always sleeps with her curtains half-pulled. The exact way they were now. I stepped closer to her bed to investigate. The blankets were strewn around and resting on the empty bed.  
  
"Oh, Lily, you slut!" I exclaimed under my breath. Her bathrobe was also missing, not on its usual hook.  
  
But it was odd. Lily, out visiting the boys' dormitory at night? That was definitely not Lily. If anyone was a slut, it'd be me, Dahlia. Not Lily. Lily was a prude. She wouldn't even change in front of anyone else. But if she had found the right guy...  
  
It was possible.  
  
But why didn't Lily tell me? Saturday night I'd stayed up 'till eleven pm waiting for her, wondering where the hell she could be. I wanted to talk to her. When she didn't arrive by eleven pm, I went to sleep. I confronted her the next day and she wouldn't tell me who the guy was. Obviously she wouldn't wander aimlessly through the halls at midnight. She didn't deny that it was a date. And now she was out again. But this time I knew she'd actually gone to sleep. (She was already asleep by the time I went to bed, 10:00.) Secret midnight visits are the only possibility. But oh-my-gosh this is Lily we're talking about. My best friend Lily who scoffs when I talk about how hot some guys are. She'd gone on dates before, but already this far? It was just unbelievable. I was annoyed she hasn't confided in her best friend Dahlia, who knows a lot more about romance issues than she does.  
  
I paused, my hand on the diary. Did I just hear something?  
  
I stepped towards the door, which was ajar. I thought I had heard faint laughter. Now I was very, very curious. Was that Lily?  
  
I opened the door and walked out into the hall. Standing on the landing, I looked down into the common room.  
  
They were sitting on the sofa. I recognized Lily's red braid hanging down her back. She always braids her hair before going to sleep. Lily, my best friend. She sat perched on the sofa, feet tucked under her. He sat with his feet on the floor, but turned towards her. She had flung her arms around him and his arms tightly encircled her waist. I forced myself to look up, at their faces. Their lips pressed against each other. As Lily tilted her head to the left slightly, his grip around her waist tightened, pulling her closer to him.  
  
Blood rushed through me, my heart pounding like mad. Shock. My weight fell on one foot and the floorboard let out an enormous creak. I gasped as they broke apart and I could see his face better. The guy Lily had been so passionately kissing was Severus Snape.  
  
Lily looked at me. I cannot believe you, Lily. Our eyes met for a brief second, then I couldn't take it any longer and I ran, back here, not caring who I woke and swinging the curtains shut angrily.  
  
Now I continue to lie here, on my stomach, under the covers, the curtains pulled around me, but moonlight spilling onto the bed from the corner of my wall that is a window.  
  
Shortly afterwards, I heard Lily's tentative footsteps on the stairs. What do you think, Lily! You and Snape – oh gosh it was too disturbing a thought. I buried my face into my pillow. Disgusting, Lily. I will never talk to you again.  
  
I feel a bit calmer now. I've been writing for over an hour and it's simmered me down. My question – playing in my head over and over and over again – is why? Why would Lily waste her time on him? Of all people... him?  
  
Obviously he wasn't forcing her. Obviously he wasn't so desperate as he had been...  
  
Let's examine the possibilities:  
  
She's just being a slut who needs her fix of daily (or nightly) "fix" of make-out sessions.  
  
Wow, Lily, you hide your secret personality well.  
  
It was Snape's idea and she didn't want to hurt his feelings.  
  
Two problems with that one: (1) she was so obviously into that kiss and enjoying herself (what the hell, Lily???). (More proof for the slut explanation.) And, (2) why didn't she say no? We've laughed at him enough before – Lily saying what a disgusting slimeball he is.  
  
All the explanations, evidence, everything – contradicts itself. Ugh, it's so confusing.  
  
She's in love with him.  
  
Ha, what a joke.  
  
Seriously now, what is it? The first one makes the most sense, but it's hard to get used to the idea of Lily-the-slut. That is so not Lily, that it's disturbing the hell out of me.  
  
Just seeing them together like that makes me shudder and feel queasy. Lily has had her "pretty boy" crushes – obsessed over them in a Dahlia-like fashion, and then gone out with them only to find out that they're bores. Ah, what does that matter if they're handsome? Or you could be lucky and find someone like Sirius who's both handsome and intelligent... Excuse me while I die in bliss.  
  
I'm back. Sorry for that break of dreaming of my beloved... Back to the Lily/Snape issue (how the thought disgusts me) – Lily's gone on dates before, been kissed of course, but seeing your best friend since age eleven making out like there's no tomorrow is disturbing.  
  
I laugh at myself. I, Dahlia, say this? And I'm the one who – well, we won't go there.  
  
The worst part of it all is that it's Snape! Of all people, of all the hot guys at this schools, she picks the greasy, hook-nosed one who –  
  
Snape. Snape. Ew.  
  
How can she stand him? How does she bear skin contact with him, much less grip him in a death lock and kiss him like a monkey in heat?! How can she possibly stomach the feeling of his disgusting fingers on her waist, his slimy lips on hers?  
  
I can't.  
  
I will never understand Lily.  
  
But it makes no sense. She's Lily. We used to be the best friends in the entire world, spending every moment together and even thinking and talking in unison. That was our third year. Ever since fifth year, we've grown apart. Further and further each year.  
  
I want to cry.  
  
Lily, I could have saved you from this. If you listened to me, it could have been James Potter – or anyone else – someone hot – to lock lips with at two am. Not to go as low as Severus Snape.  
  
It could have been anyone else. Just as long as it's not my habibi Sirius. Now that I think about it, Lily would make an adorable couple with Sirius. But not as cute as the one I'd make with him.  
  
Strands of black hair falling casually into his dreamy dark eyes. Sirius, my tall, dark stranger.  
  
Now why did Lily pick a tall, dark, greasy, ugly stranger?! I really have to talk to that girl. It's been hours... is she awake now? 


	2. 2

Wednesday 4:17 am  
  
She was awake. She stared at me nervously and I said, "Lily, we have to talk." I dragged her downstairs to the common room. It was around dawn at this point so of course no one was there. It was the same place she and Snape had been. The same place Snape had –  
  
"What on earth?" I asked her.  
  
Of course she acted all innocent and asked what I was talking about. Like she didn't know. I knew she just wanted me to be the one to mention it and until that point deny she had been doing anything at all at two am besides what a normal person would be doing – sleeping.  
  
So I mentioned Snape. She cringed, but defended him, to my surprise. But once I started really insulting him, she began to cry. Ay, Lily, don't be such a baby. But of course I felt all guilty and had to console here.  
  
Sobbing, she whispered, "I think I'm in love with him." I felt very cold all of a sudden. Lily, don't you know who he is?  
  
Then anger flooded through me. I struggled to keep my voice calm as I said, "You think?"  
  
By this time I was already numb with shock, and it didn't surprise me that much when she replied, "No. I know I am."  
  
This was too much. Yes, she was crying, but I no longer felt any guilt for making her cry. I stood up, scorning her. Now she stopped crying and looked at me. Glared at me.  
  
What did I care? Let that stupid baby cry. It was her own fault she was such an idiot how could she – Snape.  
  
She was really getting on my nerves. Really, really, really annoying me. I could feel faint angry flushes on my cheeks and I screamed back at her.  
  
She replied, calling me – of all things – shallow. Shallow! I am NOT shallow. How can she – she's the one who – she does not understand. There's something you need to know, Lily. Not like I'm going to tell her. Not now. Figure it out yourself. You're the shallow one. Listen to me. Don't you know that I –  
  
My muscles tensed and I glowered at her. She looked back at me with her green eyes narrowed to glaring slits. Snake-like eyes.  
  
"What...did...you...call me?" I hissed.  
  
"You're such a hypocrite," she retorted. "You criticize everyone but you don't recognize your own faults!"  
  
I want to slap you. Hard across the face. And then yank your hair out by the roots. The red strands mixing with red streams of blood. How – dare – you –  
  
"I can recognize one," I spat, "I chose YOU as a friend!" With that, I hurled a pillow at her. Damn, it missed her big fat face. Before I would have murdered her in my rage, I ran.  
  
Then can you BELIEVE what she said?  
  
"I hope Sirius Black spits on you!"  
  
I whirled around and grabbed another pillow. Smack in the face. Ah, sweet, gratifying revenge. Only then did I take my leave.  
  
Curse that stupid girl. Curse her to hell. I no longer feel homicidal, but still – How can I have had a friend like that? I need to curse her blankets to suffocate her or something.  
  
As for him, well, I don't want history to repeat itself. 


	3. 3

I suppose she thinks I am mean.  
  
I could have just thrown the pillow at her. Instead, after that, Miss Dahlia Khatir-Albi also turned all the Slytherin girls against her.  
  
I should be Dahlia La-Albi instead.  
  
Does this mean I regret it? No. I forgive her? No. I've stopped hating her? No. Can finally stand him? No.  
  
I must have a conscience.  
  
But as soon as I think about it, all remorse vanishes. Him. I cannot force myself to look at his face. Just can't bear it after that horrible hour. Unable to move. Those eyes staring into mine. They glinted in the firelight like chunks of sinister obsidian. Trapped, staring into those eyes –  
  
I can't bear it. I can't think. I can't breath.  
  
Even now, two years later, my stomach is churning. Why did you do it, Lily? You betrayed me. You crossed to his side. You think you are on his side but he treats no one well. He will hurt you. You will see.  
  
Oh, why did she do this?  
  
A little child clad in bright yellow rainboots and coat grabs a stick and plunges it into the water of the pond. It breaks the calm, clear surface. Swinging it around until the mud loosens and swirls to the surface. The see- through water is gone – instead, brown clouds of mud. Mud that had rested so nicely on the bottom of the pond. It will not settle again. 


	4. 4

It hasn't gone away. I can't sleep now. Every night I wake up, paralyzed. I am trapped. Pinned down. Black pools infinitely deep – the image of those eyes burns my retina.  
  
I wake up sobbing. I haven't cried in years. I wake up sobbing. The sound of crying, the hot tears on my face... it makes me queasy.  
  
The whole time I cried.  
  
And since then I had never cried. 


	5. 5

Friday 11:13  
  
It's not so bad during the day. The nightmares don't haunt me then. I can't stand the sight of them. I know he is evil. But how can he be with Lily? How can she bear him? That sight stirred up horrible memories. Once recalled, I couldn't forget them. They got worse and worse. The nightmares came. But I think – I hope – it's fading away. So I can forget about it again. Daylight helps. School helps. When I have to concentrate on transfiguring my desk, I don't think about it. Sirius – he would never be like that. Would he? He is perfect – he is handsome and clever. Nothing like that, that, – thing – that shouldn't even be called a person. Oh, I wish I could just forget about it. And that Lily would see him for what he is. If only my fifth year had never happened.  
  
It's already so late and Lily's not in bed. I don't wonder now where she could be now, but I can't help being sickened. Already, at age seventeen? I was fifteen. 


	6. 6

Saturday 10:17 am  
  
Lily isn't as stupid as I thought, but she's stupider than she used to be.  
  
I was doing my homework in the common room when he came downstairs. I sat frozen in my seat. I didn't want to walk past him, which is what I'd have to do to escape to either my dormitory or leave the common room. I cursed myself for still feeling this way, but I shuddered to be so near to him.  
  
He paced back and forth anxiously.  
  
My wondering soon ended when Lily entered the common room.  
  
"Severus!" she exclaimed happily and I closed my book, disgusted and ready to leave.  
  
But he surprised me. He glared and scowled and fumed at her.  
  
She was shocked. His accusations, his lack of trust, his jealousy.  
  
She had been in the hospital wing with a broken leg? Oh, so that explains where she was yesterday  
  
I simply listened to their argument in fascination; that he thought she would be out "cavorting with James Potter." I remembered mentioning him to her once, that he liked her, that they'd be cute together, that he wasn't so bad-looking – and she had replied scornfully, horrified and disdainful that I could possibly suggest him to her. And that was recently. Now, she had – what? Kissed him? Why, was that "Severus" only practice?  
  
My, was he mad. And so was she. I wished to myself that she would punch him in the face. No such luck.  
  
But at least she's now recognized him as the unreasonable jerk he is... right?  
  
He stormed away and she collapsed sobbing. I sighed with relief. She had ventured to his side, learned the truth of his nature, and come back. He would be gone. Oh, please he would be gone.  
  
I hurried up to Lily and gave her my (false, what else) condolences. I hugged and comforted her. It's all over. Forget him. He's gone. It's all very sad, but it's finished. I'll be your friend, let's hate him together. It's a good thing he's gone.  
  
Oh, but then she had to go and act stupid. Lily, don't be so thick. You are naÑve. She went to say sorry. I cringed. All hope is lost for you, Lily.  
  
From the common room, I heard the low rumbling of his voice, the slam of a door, saw Lily's tear-streaked face rush down the stairs and fly past me, out the common room.  
  
I let out a shaky, but relieved sigh. 


	7. 7

Sunday 4:37 am  
  
I just realized it. Sirius looks like my brother. I just woke up from a dream, realizing my brother was in it. (The nightmares have gone, thank heaven.) I was eight and it was the good old days. Before my ninth birthday, that unspeakable day. Azim took me to the ice-cream place and bought me a great big chocolate ice-cream, unlike Abi and Mama, who always order only one ice-cream, with extra spoons.  
  
It's not just the dark hair and eyes, but the way he walks is the same as well.  
  
You weren't there, that awful night two years ago. You would have protected me. It would never have happened to your little sister and if you were here now you would kill the bastard who did it. 


	8. 8

I seriously wonder what the world is coming to. What the hell happened to Lily – going out with both of the people she would be least likely to go out with in the whole world – in the same week.  
  
I swear, my life is so much like a soap opera, it's not even funny.  
  
Lily and James – I told her she should give him a chance a long time ago. She was horrified, but now she goes and throws herself in his arms.  
  
I want her to stay with him. Never ever, ever go back to that demon from hell.  
  
After keeping that horrible memory buried in the farthest corner of my mind and having it all come back the moment I saw Snape and Lily on that couch together, it's been driving me crazy.  
  
I need to let it out. I never talk about things, about the terrible parts of my life, but I've remembered. And I can't forget again. It will drive me mad if I don't tell it.  
  
My fifth year was when it happened. I remember the day exactly.  
  
I had woken up suddenly at midnight, horrified as I realized I had left my diary downstairs in the common room. This was before I learned about Locking Charms.  
  
I leapt out of bed and dashed down the stairs, without even bothering to throw a bathrobe over my nightgown or put on slippers.  
  
At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped.  
  
Severus Snape, a boy in my grade I didn't know too well but had never liked, was kneeling in front of the fireplace. Talking to someone. I listened, horror-struck, by their conversation.  
  
"And once you kill him, my power will increase--"  
  
"Yes, my Lord," he muttered.  
  
I stared. Aghast. What was going on?  
  
I forgot my diary. Who cares about silly schoolgirl secrets when there is a to-be-murderer in the room? Perhaps he's already killed someone, I thought and I wanted to scream.  
  
I began to dash back up the stairs, but then I looked back. He had noticed me. He was holding his wand straight out at me and muttering a spell. I tried to duck it.  
  
Suddenly, I felt slightly light-headed. I lifted my foot to run, but it moved so slowly, it was like a nightmare. One of those terrible nightmares in which you try to run but you can barely move. You try to walk, but each step is so slow, it's futile.  
  
I lost my balance and I collapsed on the stairs.  
  
With long strides, he came up to me. I started to scream, but the wand was at my throat again.  
  
I was mute.  
  
Mute and almost-paralyzed.  
  
He grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me down the stairs. Ow, ow, ow, I screamed in my mind. This wasn't right. You can't do this to me. I don't even have a wand.  
  
Deciding the sound of each stairs I hit as he dragged me down were too loud and might attract attention, he picked me up and carried me down.  
  
He dropped me on the sofa. I glared. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to be there. All I wanted to be was safe in my bed. Away from this horrible murderer. I was shaking. Angry and terrified.  
  
"You will never tell anyone about what you heard," he commanded.  
  
I stared with enormous, horrified eyes. I couldn't reply. Yes, anything you say. Just let me go.  
  
That wasn't all. He pushed me into the sofa brutally. His weight was on me. No, no, no, I screamed silently.  
  
I wasn't paralyzed but it was bad enough as if I were. Determinedly, I lifted my hand to scratch his eyes out. How could he do this? I shook with rage and humiliation. Tears poured down my face. As if they could wash me clean.  
  
But he just brushed my hand out of the way. I moved so slowly there was nothing I could do.  
  
I screamed. I screamed and screamed. But no one heard my voiceless cries, saw my motionless lips moving.  
  
My face burned with wet tears. He glared at me. The whole time, he kept his eyes focused on mine, burning holes into my soul. He spat. It landed on my face and I just couldn't stand it any longer.  
  
What did I do to deserve this? I sobbed. I cried out, wanting someone to hear me. Mama, Abi, Azim, Lily, someone – come save me.  
  
No one came.  
  
Finally, he shoved me deeper into the sofa as he pushed himself to an upright position. He stood over me, lowered his face to mine, and demanded, "You will never say a word." He left.  
  
I sobbed.  
  
I don't know how long I lay there, on that sofa, alone.  
  
Finally the spell faded. I could move. Slowly, because it wasn't all gone yet, but I could move enough to keep my balance. But as soon as I got up, I collapsed on the floor.  
  
It was too awful.  
  
I made my way to the bathroom. I had to have a bath.  
  
My nightgown was torn. He had ripped it.  
  
As soon as I was inside, I locked the door. I leaned against it, breathing shakily. I began hyperventilating and now more tears flowed down my face as I cried hysterically.  
  
The tears, the water of the bath. They washed my skin clean but no more than that. I would never be the same again.  
  
I was only fifteen. It was a crime. I've finally written it. I've finally admitted what happened.  
  
I can't cry now, but it's out. I pray it will not haunt me for the rest of my life. 


	9. 9

After I wrote it all out yesterday, I kept thinking about it. Over and over again.  
  
Now I feel like I've rinsed it out of my soul. The memory, it's still there, yes, but I feel freer.  
  
All I needed was to let it out and have a good night's sleep.  
  
Right?  
  
But maybe I do need to tell someone. Maybe I need to admit it to a real live person, not just some pieces of parchment sewn together.  
  
I can't.  
  
Why didn't I tell immediately? It's so much harder now. But of course I couldn't then. I was fifteen. I was hurt, horrified, sickened. And guilty.  
  
Why did it have to happen that way? It was the worst possible way.  
  
I'm still scared. 


	10. 10

Lily and James are together every waking minute. It's crazy. School finishes and they walk hand-in-hand to the lake. There, they sit and do homework. Homework? Hardly. It seems like they spend more time kissing.  
  
Ah ha, I've discovered Lily's weakness. She can't help hold back from kissing.  
  
No, actually it seems like it's James who can't hold himself back. But he doesn't just like kissing her. You can tell he's totally in love with her. Head over heels.  
  
Oh, life is unfair. I want a boyfriend.  
  
Not another one of those guys who stays with me for a couple weeks. One who likes to brag to his friends that he's going out with Dahlia, but doesn't actually like to spend time with me. Except for one thing.  
  
Damn, I really want someone to love me. 


	11. 11

Today was the day of the big test in History of Magic. I didn't really study – I mean, it's History of Magic – who really cares. Anyway, it was hard of course and I know I didn't too well (but I can make it up writing extra-long essays, if I feel in the mood to improve my grade). Professor Binns passed out the test and said, "Don't write on this paper. I need it back." Great, just then I realized I didn't have a piece of parchment. He noticed and said (after tsking and saying, "Miss Katee-Ali, when will you learn?" (When will he learn to say my name right?!)), "Would anyone be as so kind as to lend Miss Katee-Ali here a piece of parchment?"  
  
I don't know why Professor Binns picked him, but he did.  
  
He said, "Mr. Snape, please give her a piece of paper."  
  
Snape would of course obey a teacher's instruction and pulled a piece of parchment out of his book bag.  
  
I was so conscious of not looking him in the eye that my hand accidentally bumped into his. I tore my hand back so quickly I cut myself on the parchment. Usually parchment is not sharp enough. I didn't care that he might see; using the ends of my sleeves I rubbed my hand furiously where it had met his skin. I wanted to scrub away any trace of him, but I could still feel where our fingers had met. I shuddered involuntarily and wanted to rush to the bathroom to use soap and hot water.  
  
Professor Binns was already staring at me strangely and so was Lily. I quickly dropped my hands into my lap and stared at my desk. Really, Dahlia, can't you control yourself. Everyone's staring.  
  
Thanks heavens Professor Binns didn't make me thank Snape for the parchment. Now that I would not be able to do; even if it meant running out of the room, I would not do it.  
  
I think I failed that test. 


	12. 12

It's not bad to have your best friend going out with James Potter. Not bad at all. Lily just got me a date with Sirius Black.  
  
I asked Lily to talk to him about her wonderful friend Dahlia (always talk yourself up when boys are involved) and she did!  
  
Today I was walking towards the library to do the research on my extra- credit essay for History of Magic. (I did worse on that test than I had thought I did. I can't believe I managed to beat my last standing record of 40 percent.) Then a voice called out, "Hey, Dahlia."  
  
I turned my head. It was Sirius. And he was talking to me! Immediate thought: Switch on flirting mode.  
  
I smiled and turned around slowly, walking towards him. "Hi," I said.  
  
Of course I was jumping up and down inside but remain calm. Don't be eager. Just be calm, cool, and collected. Oh, yeah, and flutter your eyelashes a bit.  
  
Oh gosh he is handsome. It took a lot of effort to actually say something, not just gaze at him in a trance.  
  
He made a bit of small talk. Not much. Then – he asked me out!  
  
"So, Dahlia," he asked, flicking a strand of hair out of his eyes (I could have swooned at this moment), "are you busy this weekend?"  
  
I paused a second, as if thinking (yeah right, I knew the answer!), then I smiled and replied, "No, I'm free. Why?" (Add a subtle wink to this last part.)  
  
"Oh, just wondering if you'd want to accompany me to Hogsmeade?"  
  
I beamed.  
  
Now I have three days to get ready for my date. Don't go crazy, Lia, it's just a date. That's what Lily would say. Oh but it isn't just a date! It's a date with Sirius Black!  
  
It's too strange to be attracted to someone who reminds me of my brother, so here's my explanation: The reason I first noticed Sirius was that he looked strikingly similar. Now I've realized who. But by now, I love his personality and everything else. It was just the similarity in appearance that first led to me notice him.  
  
Not just strikingly similar, but also quite striking. 


	13. 13

Apparently, I'm not going to pass History of Magic.  
  
Which means I can't graduate.  
  
I don't feel like writing an essay. I went to the library, I pulled down some books, stared at them for a bit. Put them back. Left.  
  
He was a good student. He did his homework, aced his tests, knew all the advanced spells. Respectful, kind, friendly. He was the model son.  
  
Now here am I, all alone. An only child since my ninth birthday.  
  
I don't get all "O's." I study if I feel like it and I go to bed as soon as I'm tired. When I see Abi and Mama, I greet them. Then I go to my room. I go out with boys. I don't always finish my dinner. My friends aren't all purebloods. I quit Arabic School when I was ten and they wouldn't let me back in, though my parents begged.  
  
What will happen to me? School doesn't matter. Being a good girl doesn't matter. The perfect child is not the one who lives. 


	14. 14

Hey. Hi. How are you? Fine thanks. You look pretty. Smile.  
  
Let's go. Hand on shoulder.  
  
Where are we going? You'll see.  
  
So, isn't so-and-so such a crappy teacher?  
  
Actually, so-and-so is worse --  
  
Blank stare.  
  
Oh you're right. Never mind. Sinking feeling.  
  
Today we pulled such a great prank on...  
  
Sigh. Thoughts crowd exhausted head. I really shouldn't have stayed outside in the sun for so long. I feel sick.  
  
... ha ha, isn't that awesome?  
  
Yeah.  
  
And then...  
  
I can't concentrate. It's not late...why do I feel tired? I need a nap. My head hurts. It's too hot in here. I can't breath.  
  
Push chair back.  
  
Hey, where are you going? I was just about to tell you this fantastic story about–  
  
I don't feel well. Stumbles.  
  
Oh okay. Disappointed. Get some fresh air. But hurry back.  
  
Reaches door. Gasp. Feels dizzy. Hand to forehead. I'm burning up.  
  
He's waiting.  
  
Collapses in chair again.  
  
Are you going to eat that?  
  
You can have it. Fork falls with a clatter.  
  
Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's cool. All right. Yes. Nod.  
  
Let's go, Dahlia.  
  
Pulls self to feet. Grabs his arm.  
  
Looks surprised. Oh. Here's your cloak.  
  
Nod.  
  
Outside.  
  
Hey, Dahlia, you know you are really pretty.  
  
Manage smile. Thanks.  
  
Hands on shoulder. Face closer and closer.  
  
Whoa no warning for that. Ha ha, are you protesting kissing Sirius Black? "Ha ha" – why am I not laughing? I have a bad feeling in my stomach.  
  
Dahlia... there are too many people here. I'll show you a place that's nice and private.  
  
Grabs arm for support, stumbling. Almost as if I'm drunk. But I'm not. My head is buzzing like mad, my throat is stinging, and my face is searing.  
  
Darkness. Ah, my head. The buzzing fades a bit.  
  
Lumos. Ow. My eyes. Don't. I need rest. Go away.  
  
Dahlia.  
  
Oh go away. I'm tired.  
  
Dahlia. Lips cold on my burning face. Arms around my neck.  
  
Gasp for air. Ugh, is this a blanket or a layer of dust?  
  
I don't feel well. I don't feel well.  
  
You're fine. You're fine. Leans closer. Dahlia, you're so pretty.  
  
No. I'm sick. The date's over.  
  
I want to cry. Azim, you are truly gone forever. 


	15. 15

The fever's gone down a bit. I was barely there when I wrote that last entry. I just reread it and I feel sick in the stomach. There's not a trace of him left.  
  
I thought I'd gotten over this. I thought I'd accepted it. I thought I'd forgotten.  
  
No.  
  
I don't forget anything.  
  
If I could just cut out all these bad memories, I would get a knife and cut them out of my brain. But I can't.  
  
I wonder if Lily cares that I'm sick. "Aw, Lia, you're sick? You poor thing." Yeah, what a great best friend. Then she left.  
  
On a date with James? Ugh, reminds of Sirius. What a jerk – he didn't care about me at all – all he wanted was...  
  
Darn... is there a single student in this school who is male but not perverted? Or at least can acknowledge a girl's existence besides her body?  
  
Darn. I think Lily was right. "Carry on an intelligent conversation" is what matters.  
  
But he needs to be hot too.  
  
And he needs to think I am too. That just can't be all he thinks about me.  
  
Lia, you'll never get married at this rate. 


	16. 16

Should I tell? Should I tell?  
  
I want to tell.  
  
But I don't.  
  
I want to tell, but I don't want to say it. I just want someone to be aware of it and be my protector. But not know what happened.  
  
But even if I tell just one person, how would I know that she wouldn't tell more? How would I know the whole school wouldn't know? And it would get back to... him.  
  
Absolutely not.  
  
Even if he vanished forever (I pray for that day!), the whole school knowing? No way. It was terrible. It was a betrayal of my self and having anyone knowing about it would make it worse.  
  
I would be judged. I would be pitied. Blamed. Scorned.  
  
It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask for it.  
  
But it's true that I never told on him. It's been three years and I still can't talk about it. Damn him. Damn him to hell.  
  
I can just imagine running into Azim's arms and sobbing to him what happened. His face hardening with anger – anger at him – but gently comforting me. My protector.  
  
I would never ever be able to tell my parents. Ever.  
  
Dahlia! How was your year at Hogwarts?  
  
Oh fine. How are you? Oh, by the way, something happened to me that I have to tell you...  
  
What is it, Dahlia?  
  
This boy...  
  
No. No. No. No. No. 


	17. 17

Lily. Is. Getting. Married. Yes, Lily Evans. Lily! MARRIED!  
  
And I always thought I'd be the first one to be engaged.  
  
She's seventeen. Seventeen and already to be Mrs. James Potter! This is unbelievable.  
  
First of all, it's scary. We're already that old? Sure, I feel decades old after all I've gone through – but Lily? Lily, the innocent little girl who stays up till two am to finish all her extra credit homework... that same Lily being a bride?  
  
Second, what about me? I know – I'm the most selfish person on earth, but what about me? When will anyone propose to me? When will I get engaged? When will anyone even go out with me just because he likes me not because he wants to go to bed with me? When will anyone even love me?  
  
Now Lily's walking around with her sparkling ring. As it twinkles in the sun, it taunts me, Lily's getting married. You're not. You never will. You're unloved.  
  
I suddenly hate Lily.  
  
She's always gotten better grades than me. But I thought I was ahead of her in the romance department. I guess I'll be her pathetic bridesmaid now.  
  
Will they have children?  
  
If Lily has a daughter, would she name her after me? 


	18. 18

Dahlia, Dahlia. What happened to you? I just recalled a dream from when I was five or so and spent the afternoon remembering when I was little.  
  
Now I look at myself.  
  
I was such an innocent happy child. Content with my mama, abi, and brother. Four people. It was a perfect family. A perfect childhood.  
  
I remember when I was six, worrying how I would get married. I worried about it because we would have to kiss. How scary. And in front of all those people too. As for having children – oh it was unnecessary – we'd just adopt.  
  
I laugh at myself. A harsh laugh, tearing my throat.  
  
I planned to be a virgin my whole life, apparently. What a joke. I couldn't even last till age fifteen.  
  
Well, that wasn't my choice. I probably wouldn't have lost it so early if it weren't for that awful incident. But not too much later.  
  
Exhale slowly. Once it was gone, I didn't care any more. I wasn't even careful. Dahlia, Dahlia, where is that little girl who cried when she dropped her ice-cream? No, I had no shame. I was stupid. Very stupid, but lucky. No life-changing decisions to make.  
  
Oh I threw myself at every guy's head. Had no limit, couldn't say no.  
  
That Dahlia would have been good for Sirius. 


	19. 19

I think I'm getting better now. I've been lying in bed for the last three days, thinking, contemplating, remembering.  
  
Avoiding. 


	20. 20

I wonder if I can drop out of History of Magic? Alas, it's a required class. Crap.  
  
They moved me to the hospital wing. Darn. I want to stay in the dormitory. But no, the nurse wants to keep an eye on me. Exactly what I don't want.  
  
She said another day and I'll have to go back to school. No.  
  
I could always run away. Run away from school. But there's nowhere to go. I'm not a ten-year-old anymore. 


	21. 21

Lily was in a talkative mood today. We were sitting in the dormitory; I was swinging my legs back and forth and listening to her ramble on.  
  
"Let's go to the lake," I said suddenly. "We can walk around and talk." I haven't talked to Lily like this so long – I really wanted to talk, too. My diary's fine, but it's always a one-way conversation.  
  
So we strolled down to the lake. Lily was telling me about her wedding plans with James. Yes, she's getting married! And I always thought I'd be the first to be engaged.  
  
"Do you really love James?" I asked, curious. Lily had never been in love before. Not real love. Now engaged, she must be in love, right?  
  
She paused. "Dahlia, I don't know," she said soberly.  
  
"But you're engaged," I replied, surprised.  
  
"I know you won't want to hear this," she began, "but I haven't totally forgotten about Severus."  
  
I stopped walking and grabbed her arm. "Lily," I exclaimed, "you are going to be married to James Potter. You can't be thinking about that, that--"  
  
"Dahlia! Don't call him that! James is great, but I can't help it if I remember..."  
  
I wanted to slap her to wake her up. Or maybe push her into the lake. How can you be so stupid, Lily? I tried to bite my tongue. I remember our last conversation about this – the pillows and insults whizzing through the air.  
  
"Hey, Lia, why do you hate him so much?" Lily asked me, starting to walk again.  
  
I didn't want to answer. But I did too.  
  
I almost said "I don't hate him" automatically. But I couldn't. Because now his face swam in front of my eyes and seething hatred swirled up inside.  
  
"He's awful," I said simply.  
  
"Dahlia, you don't even know him. How can you say that?"  
  
"I do know him. I know that his soul is pure evil – no wait, he has no soul."  
  
"He isn't that bad!"  
  
"Oh, yes he is." I wanted to kick the trunk of the tree we were passing under with all my might, but I controlled myself. I can do that. I can hide my feelings for years. But right then anger was surging through me and I cursed in frustration.  
  
"Why?" Lily stared at me. "What did he ever do to you?"  
  
What a perfect question. It would answer all her questions. But I wasn't going to answer it.  
  
"I just hate him," I said stiffly.  
  
"You can't hate him without reason, Lia," Lily nagged. "You have to have a reason. Like how I used to hate James for being such a jerk to other people."  
  
She ran her fingers through her hair.  
  
"Actually, I still hate that about him. I hate his fifth-year self. But he's reformed now. To my knowledge. He'd better have." Then she returned to her interrogation. "So why do you hate Severus, Lia?"  
  
"Like you said. Fifth year." I was being vague, but still I worried that I was telling too much. I bit my lip and stayed quiet.  
  
"Fifth year," Lily muttered out loud, thinking. "Oh – then!" she exclaimed suddenly. "I get it!" I knew she couldn't have figured it out, but her words still sent a shock through me. "He was a jerk in his fifth year. I remember that."  
  
"Once a jerk, always a jerk," I said in a sing-song voice, wishing frantically that the conversation would change subjects.  
  
"He called me a Mudblood," Lily continued. "I stood up for him and called me a filthy Mudblood. He didn't appreciate it at all! In fact, it was James who was tormenting him. Hanging him upside down... Good thing James has reformed."  
  
"And you say you love a person who treated you like that after you saved him?"  
  
"I don't love—" she began. Stopped.  
  
"He's an evil person. You can't love evil." I spoke firmly.  
  
"He changed. You can't hate him just because he was mean to me two years ago."  
  
"That's not why—" I protested quickly. Oops.  
  
"Why then?" Lily turned to face me. I held up my hand, my fingers blocking fragments of the bright sunlight.  
  
I sighed. "He is evil," I repeated.  
  
"Dahlia, you keep saying that. WHY? What did he ever do to make you call him evil?"  
  
"But he is. Haven't you seen him, always gazing towards the restricted section of the library?"  
  
"That doesn't make him evil He's always been fascinated by Defense Against the Dark Arts."  
  
"It's not defense. He is into the dark arts."  
  
"How do you know? And what did he ever do to you?"  
  
"Defending your old lover?" I asked.  
  
She pushed me gently. "Dahlia. Really."  
  
I sat down under a tree. Leaned back into the calming shade.  
  
"Dahlia, Lia, Lia," Lily badgered. She sat down next to me. "Tell me."  
  
"I've told you," I replied. "And anyway, why do you care so much? I hate him. So?"  
  
"You've never hated anyone this much. It disturbs me."  
  
Hmm. Perhaps I'm not that good at hiding my emotions.  
  
I let out a long sigh. Said nothing.  
  
"Dahlia, I know something happened. You hate him for some specific reason. You've already said that it wasn't because of what he said to me. What is it?"  
  
An ant crawled across a leaf.  
  
She continued. "You're my best friend, Dahlia. Maybe we've gone through bad times, but you're still my friend and I want to know. Please tell me."  
  
I bit my lip. "It doesn't matter. He was a jerk, he's still a jerk. End of story."  
  
"No, Dahlia. I know it's more than that. What is it? You always avoid eye contact with him. You go out of your way to not see him in the hallways. I saw what happened when he gave you a piece of parchment. Your hands touched for a second and so you scratched away the skin. I can see that this is serious and I want to help you."  
  
"When did you start thinking this?" I asked, taken aback. Never would have expected that Lily noticed so much about me.  
  
"Not too long ago. Pretty recently. But I put it together with things I remember but never really thought about. It adds up. But there's one piece missing."  
  
"I never really was into jigsaw puzzles," I muttered to the ground.  
  
Lily put her hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Please tell me, Dahlia. I'm your friend. I care about you."  
  
I bit down on my tongue. Metallic blood filled my mouth. I stopped biting and swallowed the bitter blood.  
  
"Can't you just let it be," I sighed.  
  
"Dahlia, I can't let you suffer alone. Stop staring at the ground and tell me."  
  
I pulled my head up suddenly. She was analyzing everything I did. I'm not so invisible anymore, I thought.  
  
Tears sprang to my eyes. This is crazy, I thought. I don't cry. I can only remember four times in my life that I've cried. Why am I crying now?  
  
As a tear left a burning streak down my cheek, I struggled to control myself. Lily put her arms around me and whispered, "It's okay. I'm here, I'm listening. Just let it out."  
  
I wiped my eyes furiously, wondering how I could possibly be making such a fool out of myself.  
  
I ran. Past the lake, up the stairs, I ran. 


	22. 22

How would Lily understand. She wouldn't. I wish she'd stop nagging me to tell her. It's not anything that exists in her world; she can't comprehend it.  
  
I didn't go to school today. I didn't feel like it, so I stayed in bed. I slept until 10, so almost the whole day was wasted. After taking a long bath, I organized my wardrobe and avoided thinking about anything. I didn't think of Lily, of school, of telling.  
  
Then I walked down to the library, just when everyone was rushing between classes. I sat down between some bookshelves far at the back, where no one really goes. I grabbed some books I liked when I was eleven and reread them. I thought I'd recall those happy days and feel depressed and nostalgic. Instead, I realized those weren't happy days. Azim's death was still fresh in my mind then.  
  
Have I ever had happy days to recall?  
  
I'd like to skip school more. But as soon as I think of what everyone will say and what I'll have to do to catch up and what my parents will say when they realize I'm failing... It definitely makes me want to never get out of bed.  
  
When I was in the library, something odd happened. Remus Lupin, one of Sirius's and James's friends, came out from behind a bookshelf and greeted me. It scared the hell out of me. I was sitting there against the bookshelf, quietly reading with the book propped on my knees, and then I heard a low "Hello" and looked up to see someone standing above me. I dropped it and scrambled to my feet. My heart was racing.  
  
"What are you reading?" he asked.  
  
"Don't scare me like that," I growled at Remus. I took a deep breath to calm my breathing and sat back down, glaring at him. Sudden noises and movements don't go over well with me.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," he replied. Did he look genuinely sorry? I don't know. I can't trust anyone who is friends with Sirius Black to be genuine.  
  
"What are you doing here anyway? Can't you see I'm busy?" Maybe I was a bit snappish, but I had a right to be. Who was he to come and scare the wits out me and ruin my perfect and uninterrupted day?  
  
"Sorry, Dahlia, didn't mean to do that." He backed away. "I'll let you read."  
  
Then I suddenly felt guilty for being so rude, so I muttered, "Thanks."  
  
But I couldn't get back to my book. Why was he there? It was class time, wasn't it? Remus Lupin is a good student. He gets straight "O's," just like my parents wish I would. Maybe I'll break a record this year and get straight "T's." Mama will be scream at me. I know she'll ask what I did to the fourteen-year-old Dahlia who maybe didn't get perfect grades (hey, school is hard) but tried and studied and had great ambitions. Abi will bellow at me, about how his only daughter is no good. I hate it when he's angry at me. His face turns red and he brings his eyebrows together and stares down at me with a glare of total disgust. He roars my name in a rumbling voice and slams the doors in his rage. When Mama is yelling at me, she grabs random items and starts destroying them as she walks around the room. She picks up papers and shreds them, throwing the pieces to the floor. She brushes her hair out her face every couple sentences and stops to stare me in the eye, muttering, "Dahlia, can't you get back on track?" If we're in my room she picks up my clothes lying on the furniture and throws them towards the closet; this is followed by an outburst of "You could at least try!"  
  
Abi used to say if only I were a boy. He wanted to have two sons. I didn't mind. I knew he loved me anyway and Mama loved me as a girl and would never choose a second son instead. Once she was mad at me for ruining her dress robes by wearing them in dress-up and tearing the hem. She threw her hands in the air. I thought to myself how I wanted red nails like hers. "Your brother would never do this! What is it with girls?!" she exclaimed.  
  
I stared at the floor, swinging my feet and imagining having red toenails. I knew Mama would get over it. It would all be fine. She had many dress robes. As she pulled out her magical sewing kit, I hurried to my room.  
  
After Azim died, my parents never ever compared me to him. There were no comments about how Abi wished I had been a boy, nothing about having two sons. Except for one time.  
  
I was eleven and I had just run home from my first year at Hogwarts several days before Christmas holiday. I had had a horrible time at Hogwarts. I had expected it to be a wonderful, miraculous cure from the hell I had been suffering at home. It wasn't. The crowds of giggling happy students made it worse. I had to fake everything. I was pretended to be laughing when I felt like crying. I made friends but I wanted to run and hide. So when I got home, I felt terrible. I didn't tell them I was home early. I burned the letter from the owl.  
  
My parents had a Christmas party that year. We don't celebrate Christmas, but we've always had a party in December. We canceled the party after Azim died. And the next year.  
  
This was the first year of having the annual party again. I was so angry at Abi when he told me that we would have the party. "How can you? How can you?" I shouted.  
  
His eyes glowed angrily. "Don't you dare talk to your father like that, young lady. Apologize and go to your room."  
  
"No!" I screamed, full of a fiery passion. "You should apologize! You're no father – to have a party after your son died!"  
  
"Dahlia Khatir-Albi," my father rumbled, his voice trembling with rage. He stepped towards me and I was so scared and I ran. I ran out the door and into the backyard. I hid behind a tree, shaking with rage, then I thought I heard the door creak. I jumped and sprinted all the way down the block, where I climbed into a bush in front of the school and sobbed until my throat hurt. There was no one. My father had forgotten Azim. My mother brightly spoke of the weather if I ever brought up his name. My parents spoke to me glazy-eyed and distant. They had forgotten about me as well. On that awful day, two of their children had died.  
  
Then the day of the party came. "I won't go!" I shrieked to my mother. "No! I can't celebrate anything! That would be like killing Azim all over again." As soon as my mother heard his name, she spun around. "Dahlia, don't you ever say that again." Then she did something she had never done before. She slapped me. My cheek stung from the impact and my eyes burned with unshed tears.  
  
There was no argument after that.  
  
I put on my ironed red robes and consented to having my hair brushed and tied with a green ribbon. I sat limply as my mother trimmed my bangs and cut my nails.  
  
When the first guest arrived, I stayed in the corner, sitting in a chair turned away from everyone else. I swung my feet, kicking the wall with my shiny black shoes. Thump. Thump. Thump. I wondered if I could make a dent in the wall. My parents glared in my direction. I stopped.  
  
After a while, Mama came over to beg me to have some food. "Here, eat this," she prompted, handing me a plate of roast chicken. I put one piece into my mouth but I couldn't swallow. I got up, carrying the plate. Mama beamed, thinking I was going to get more. I walked into the kitchen, past the counter covered in food, past the list of things to do and buy, past the empty space on the wall where a photo of my brother and me had hung. My feet stopped in the bathroom, where I flushed all the food down the toilet. I spat out the chicken in my mouth, feeling sick to my stomach. Then I made a slow journey back, the empty plate dangling from my limp hand.  
  
"Dahlia!" my father exclaimed when I walked back into the living room, all ready to sit down in my chair in the corner. Then I realized it was gone. Mama had moved it.  
  
"Come sit here!" she smiled, patting my chair, now in the middle of a group of adults. There was no choice. I went.  
  
"We've been waiting for you, dear," my father said. He never called me "dear" unless it was in public.  
  
"Yes, tell us about Hogwarts," my mother added cheerfully.  
  
"It's your first year isn't it?" someone asked. "How exciting! It must be fun!"  
  
Another person added, "My, she's so old already! We haven't seen her since the last party. I remember when she was such a little girl."  
  
I scowled. "I hate Hogwarts. It's terrible."  
  
A shocked silence. My parents tried to laugh, saying, "Oh, it takes time to adjust, doesn't it? We all need time to adjust."  
  
I glared. "You don't need time to adjust. You never adjust. You act like Azim never died. You act like he never was your son. Maybe you don't care but I do! He's the only one in my family who actually loves me!"  
  
My father could not let me off after saying that. Everyone stared, horrified.  
  
"Dahlia," he growled, "apologize." He grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me to the kitchen, where he threw me against the wall and stood glowering at me. I heard my mother trying to explain quickly what a terrible time I'd been having while the guests sighed sympathetically.  
  
"I am not going to apologize." I looked him in the face. "I hate you," I said firmly. I had never ever dared to say anything like that. Now I didn't care what he might do to me. If he hit me, it just showed what a terrible person he was.  
  
"I don't know how your mother can stand you," my father spat. "You want Azim back? Well, so do I. I'd rather have him any time over you."  
  
I grabbed a cookbook and hurled it at him. It missed, hitting the wall. "Go to hell," I snapped, trying to keep my voice from breaking. My face crumpled and I dashed to my room, sobbing. I cried and grabbed things and smashed them until my room was covered in broken bits and pieces. I picked up a shard of glass from my vase and carved "die" into my leg so many times the dress was streaked with blood. I don't know if it was my father I wanted to die or myself. I lifted the shard to my arm, but every time I tried to drive it across my wrist, the tears flowed down my face twice as hard and I dropped it, until it got lost somewhere in the carpet.  
  
I crawled into my bed, in my blood-streaked dress robes, my face dripping with tears and my room everything strewn everywhere. My mother woke me the next day by opening the blinds. Then she closed the door and left. My parents left me alone after that. They didn't talk to me and I didn't talk to them.  
  
When the train came for me to return to Hogwarts, I was actually eager to go. There was nothing left for me at home. 


	23. 23

School is almost over. It's June. Just a couple more weeks. Weeks of cramming for exams, weeks of tearful goodbyes...

Then what?

What am I going to do after that?

I'm going to go home and that's it. I don't have a job. I don't know what I want to be "when I grow up." I'll just have to stay home and help Mama and Abi. That'll be great. I don't want to do that. I don't want to stay home.

But I'm too old to run away. I don't have anywhere to go – I don't have anything to do. I can't survive without food and money and the only place I can get them is at home.

What a mess.

So I guess I have to continue the cramming for exams and tearful goodbyes to people I'll never see again. (Most of them I don't really care if I ever see again. Only my best friends really matter. It sounds harsh but it's true.)

And then it will end and everything will be over. My life will be over, pretty much. Just staying at home with my parents isn't much of a life.


	24. 24

I was dozing off in History of Magic class – how else do you think I could keep up that marvelous failing streak? – but Remus Lupin woke me up just as Professor Binns was walking down my aisle. I wouldn't think much of it – he's a nice guy after all, but there's more. He's always smiling at me in the hallways. "Hi, Dahlia," he says and beams.

By this point, there aren't any guys left like him. They've all abandoned acting like first years with crushes. Instead, they get to the point. Go out with me. Go to bed with me. That's all that guys want. No more "I like you."

I used to actually believe that boys wanted more than that. I thought they actually appreciated girls, they actually wanted love.

What is Lupin hiding? He's no different than any other boy – why is the last one left pretending he is?

I'm flattered he likes me, but I don't really want to go to bed with him – by the time he gets around to asking me.


	25. 25

So – the latest about Remus Lupin. No, he hasn't stopped acting like a first year. He still smiles innocently as he says sweetly, "Hi Dahlia." He picks up my quill when I drop it and he gazes at me constantly.

It's actually kind of cute, until I realize he's a seventh year and that no seventh year boy can put on an act like that – unless it's an act.

But I think he's getting a little braver now.

"What are you doing this weekend?" he asked, twisting around in his chair to talk to me in History of Magic.

"Just studying probably," I replied. "I really need to catch up – and when's a better time than before exams?"

He laughed, even though it wasn't funny. It was actually serious. I've been slacking off this whole year but I don't want to have to repeat.

"Why?" I asked.

He broke eye contact and stared at the chair for a second. "Oh," he said, looking back up, "I was just curious."

"Okay," I said. "What about you?"

"What?" He looked confused for a second. "Oh, this weekend. Doing the same, I guess."

Getting all flustered by a mere girl, I thought. I smiled. Act or not, it was amusing to see such a smart guy trip over me like this.

That he would actually like such a pathetic failure like me. I'll really have to try these last few weeks. If I don't pass my exams, I'm going to drop out of school – because I am definitely not going to take my seventh year again with all those little sixth years.

Amusing and all, I decided to have a little fun with him.

I leaned towards him with my chin on my hand, so that some long hair spilled over and hung across my cheek. I looked him right in the eye and blinked slowly. Not quickly, because quickly looks like I'm trying to stare him down.

I smiled – again, it's slowly not quickly.

Then I asked casually, "What are you planning on doing this summer?"

"Oh, not much," he replied and then told me about all the places he was going, all the jobs he had.

"Wow. That's quite impressive, Remus. You say that's not a lot?"

He smiled sheepishly, but he was pleased by my admiration.

(How fun flirting is.)

"What about you?"

"Oh, I'm not doing much. But I really mean it when I say it. I don't have anything planned. I guess I'm just staying at home."

Who am I to be flirting like this, when I'm so great that my summer is staying at home with my parents? I thought.

I felt pretty pathetic.

But he said, "Oh, that's so fantastic for you, Dahlia. I wish I could just relax this summer."

Though shallow – being a boy and all – he's not that bad.

"It'd be great if you could come over and hang out with me this summer," I said and touched his arm. Not like my parents would even let him step foot in the house.

Before he could reply, Professor Binns started talking, so he had to turn around.

I think I can handle a summer fling, I thought to myself.


	26. 26

I asked Lupin out. I guess I should call him Remus, now that he's my boyfriend and all.

I was bored. That's why. No, I don't "_like-_like" him. He's nice, so I like him like that. But I am not sexually attracted to him.

I was bored and it was pleasing to see his reaction. Oh great, Dahlia, this is how you're getting your entertainment now? Asking shy boys out? Heavens.

So anyway. We're going out on Saturday. This will be interesting. It's always good to go out with a guy I like, but going out with one who likes _me _is ever so much more entertaining. It's nice to have the upper hand.

I'm going to enjoy myself this Saturday.


	27. 27

Of course, you're all eager to know how the date went.

Teasing boys is ever so much fun. I put on red robes. Dark red silk – it suits me so well. The neckline is wide – the robes don't completely show my shoulders, but they don't quite cover them either. The sleeves are wide angel sleeves. Not good for messy eaters. The skirt is long and narrow, with a slit up the side so I can actually walk. But only up to my knee.

Overdone makeup looks cheap and quite ugly, I think, so I only made up my eyes and then brushed on a little blush to show my cheekbones.

When I glanced in the mirror, I felt pretty. Haven't felt pretty in a while.

Lily was glaring at me while I got ready. She sat on her bed, hugging her knees – supposedly studying, but instead watching me. She sent me dark looks.

I didn't know why.

"Aren't you happy I have a date?" I asked.

"Well, find someone else," she replied.

"Why can't I go out with Remus? You're surely not jealous, are you, Lily?"

"What? No!"

She wouldn't tell me the reason, though. Hmm. Very suspicious. But I know Lily – the reason will be clear in no time.

Remus had told me to meet him in front of the Great Hall. I was afraid I would have to stand there waiting for him for a while, since I'm always early because I can't stand being late. However, he was there, waiting for me.

Always the perfect gentleman, he offered his hand and I placed mine in it. "Why, Dahlia, you look gorgeous," he exclaimed.

I smiled. "Thank you, Remus. For a date with you, I try."

He blushed.

It was still light out so we went for a stroll around the grounds. He slipped his arm around my waist so I leaned my head on his shoulder. It was comforting to walk like that.

We watched the sun set over the lake. Reds and oranges spilled onto the water and each wave sparkled with color.

"It's about to go down," Remus whispered in my ear. As the glowing sun slid below the horizon, he pulled me closer and I felt safe and protected.

"Would you like to have dinner now?" he asked.

"Yes, please," I replied and laid my cheek to his. Each breath of his tickled my skin and I felt the blood throb through his cheek.

I don't think he's ever been this close to a girl, I thought and at that moment I realized it hadn't been an act. The realization overwhelmed me like the warm rays of the sun. He was real.

Thrilled – I had been too soon to give up hope on men – I turned my head just as he did.

Two centimeters apart, I gazed into his eyes. Did he want to?

His eyes closed as he moved forward. I slipped my arms about his shoulders and met his soft lips in a gentle kiss.

We pulled back at the same time. It was short, but beautiful.

I actually have hope for this relationship, I realized, my heart beating happily.

"Let's have dinner now," I whispered.

"Let's," he agreed. He held my hand with two of his. He brought it to his lips and kissed the back of it. "You really are for real," he whispered so softly I could barely make out his words.

"And so are you," I beamed back at him, as I slipped my fingers between his.

The restaurant wasn't great. In fact, the food was terrible. I put down my fork and raised my eyebrows at him, questioningly.

"I don't like it either," he said. "Let's go."

I laughed as he dropped coins on the table and we ran out.

"It's too crowded in the Three Broomsticks," Remus mused.

"It's all right. I had a big lunch."

"So did I."

We held hands again and looked into each other's eyes, which reflected the shop windows and street lamps.

Finally was a boy I didn't want to throw myself at. I had flirted at first, but it wasn't teasing anymore. I was content. And by the look in his eyes, so was he.

We walked around and around until our feet hurt. Then we sat on a bench and talked. I rested my head on his shoulder and he ran his fingers through my hair.

Eventually he said, "It's late."

I sighed. "If only we didn't have to study."

"Then we could stay out all night," he replied and we laughed together.

He walked me to the Slytherin common room.

"Thank you," I said. I hugged him. "Thank you for a wonderful time and for being true." I doubt he understood me.

"Thank _you, _Dahlia."

"A goodnight kiss?" I asked, looking up at him innocently.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me again. This time was longer – he didn't pull back for a while.

"Good night," he said. I brushed his soft cheek as he stepped away.

"Good night," I called back.

Only now do I even realize that he made absolutely no move to get me to sleep with him.

I hope I'm in love with him. Because he's perfect.


	28. 28

The next morning, during breakfast, Lily asked me grumpily, "So how was it?"

"My date? It was fantastic. Oh, Lily, he's so perfect."

She groaned. "When have I heard that before?"

"But really – he is. He's not like any other guy I've met. He's actually honest and he isn't shallow. Every single boy on this planet only wants girls for sex, but he's the one to break the mold. After I'd given up hope that anyone like him existed."

"What do you mean? Not every boy is like that. Look at James. We're waiting for marriage."

If James had been with any girl other than Lily, I doubt it would have been that way. But I didn't tell her that.

"I know you think differently, Lia, but I want the time I lose my virginity to be special. And with a special guy. And I want us to be married."

I pulled my teeth together and swallowed. Words like that really bothered me. I wanted to pinch Lily or something, but it wasn't her fault for saying things like that. She didn't know. If I had never overheard that conversation, I don't know if I would be a virgin right now. Maybe yes, maybe not. However, at least I would have had the choice.

"You don't know what you're talking about," I said tersely. But I didn't want to fight with her. So I changed the subject.

"Why don't you want me to go out with Remus?" I asked lightly.

"Because..." she faltered, "he's not right for you."

"What do you mean? He isn't my type, but I've realized that I don't like my 'type.' My 'type' doesn't work for me. He's a different sort of person and I think I need a new 'type.'"

"The problem with you, Lia, is you fall so hard."

"That doesn't matter because I won't be disappointed."

"Yes you will. It's not going to work. You can't do this to yourself. You have to break up with him."

"Why? Why don't you tell me why? Either you're jealous or you just can't stand me actually being happy."

"No, it's not that." She bit her lip.

"You had no problem with me going out with Sirius. Remus is just another of James's friends. Why are you upset now?"

"Dahlia," she sighed, "it's not the fact he's one of James's friends. He's not good for you. He may be nice, but there's something I can't tell you about him. I can only warn you. Stay away from him."

I felt like crying. But I don't cry.

"Lily, why are you doing this to me?" I asked bitterly. "I finally find someone I could love and you tell me it's all a mistake."

Lily's lip trembled. "I'm sorry. You're my best friend, Dahlia. I love you. That's why I'm telling you this. Not to hurt you."

"I would listen to you if it were anyone else. But right now I just can't."

Perfect timing – Remus stood up from the Gryffindor table and came up to me.

I stood up and he gave me a hug.

"You haven't forgotten me?" he asked.

"Of course not." I beamed and the doubts and worries fell away. He touched my cheek.

"I'm done with breakfast," I told Lily, who sat glowering at me. "I'll see you later."

"Do you want to study together?" I asked.

He was thinking the same thing, so we gathered our books and headed to the library.


	29. 29

I realized it last night. Remus and I were in the Shrieking Shack What could two teenagers possibly be doing in an old deserted house all by themselves? Having an intellectual discussion, I'd like to say, but I'd hate to ruin the reputation of millions of teenagers worldwide. Yes, we were making out. It was the same bed to which Sirius had brought me -- though at the time I had been too ill to realize where we were. Remus and I lay in each others' arms as we kissed. Rolled around on the bed a bit. 'Not sexually attracted' to Remus? Oh, had I been insane? He was wonderful. It was wonderful. I wanted more.

But then, I also didn't. His innocence is what I had appreciated about Remus Lupin. I didn't want to lose that side of him.

And anyway, it's only been two weeks.

That was what my mind told me, but my body said differently. A tingling so hard it almost hurt. I gasped for breath between kisses. I felt damp. Oh gosh, so strong, the feeling overwhelmed me.

But this was Remus.

My body screamed to tear off my clothes. The bed is right there, it added. But I couldn't embarrass myself like that in front of Remus.

Creak of the mattress and he was above me, peering into my face with concerned eyes. "You're okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I let out in a wisp of air.

"If you want to stop, just tell me."

"I could kiss you for eternity," I laughed. And he laughed. And my tongue met his.

It's so perfect. He's so perfect. He's smart and funny and not bad-looking. But none of those would mean anything if he were a jerk. If he didn't like me. Oh, but he does! He does and I like him! Oh, what have I done to deserve this? No, actually – what have I not done to deserve this? What have I not survived, suffered. And now he's here.

It's so strong that I have to squeeze a pillow to suffocation and scream into it.

I wish we were married. Right this instant. And that not my nightgown wraps around me, but you, Remus.

Good night, my love. Will I ever fall asleep?

Full Moon Poetry

Hands

Warm gentle hands

Skate over skin

Fingers

Slow tender fingers

Press and pry in

Me

Free, drifting me

Gone but completely here

Soft gentle tender

Rough heavy

Light delicate warm

Harsh sour

Sweet strong sweaty


	30. 30

Yesterday I decided. I have to tell Remus how much I love him. I don't think he knows. Oh, I know my reputation – not keeping boys for much longer than a week, often less than that. I really need him to know that he's not one of them. Obviously, there's something special if there have been four "third dates," which were simply dates and nothing more. Home at eleven-thirty, at the latest.

Now I wonder – have I ever been in love before? Oh, you'd think I'd have; all those crushes and flirts and flings and fancies and brief sparks of passion.

But that's all they were. Crushes and flirts and flings and fancies and brief sparks of passion. Yes, they went "farther" in a sense than this relationship, but not – in another sense – deeper.

I do have to tell him.

Where is he now? He was absent yesterday and today.

But it's fine. I'll find him.


End file.
